That time I chose Happiness

I’m used to budgeting and financial statements.

My job is forecasting, analysis, and spreadsheets.

I’m used to the “income vs. expenses mindset. I know that at the end of the fiscal year, there will be a number at the bottom of my statement that will show how I managed my company.

This number will reveal whether I was brave or conservative. whether I made intelligent choices or if I was reckless. You can say a lot based on that number.

But I never really did a personal balance spreadsheet.

Every new year I focus on resolutions without giving too much thought to my feelings.

Where did I get my resources this year, and how did I invest them?

Did I have enough to reach my goals? Was I able to distribute them? On what did I invest them? And more importantly: at the end of the year, do I have profits to invest back into my next-year self?

The decade’s end is approaching, and though dates and calendars are just social constructs, it is the end of an era.

For me, 2019 marks the end of a lifestyle I don’t want to embody anymore.

I welcome 2020 with the awareness that the year about to end changed me forever and that I can’t go back. In 2019 I learned the hard way what “letting go” means.

I said more goodbyes than in the previous 15 years combined.

The frailty of the human condition on hearth manifested in all its power since day two of the year, and I can’t help but think if this profoundly influenced my takes on the year.

Nevertheless, 2019 was the year of happiness.

Regardless of all the dramatic events, this year taught me I have the moral duty to try and be happy.

A day without happiness is a day that we waste. We have to stock on happiness for dark times ahead. Every day, there can be a fragment of joy if we look for it.

For about three months, I journaled thanks to the gift of a now-lost friend, just to train my happiness muscle.

Yes, happiness is a muscle we must train. We can’t neglect it and expect to run a marathon one day.

Every day for three months, at the end of my day, I looked for three things that made me happy during the day, and I wrote them in my journal, next to gratitude thoughts and three things I was looking for in the following day.

The closing of a deal that was negotiated for months. A sunny day. My cat, cuddling with me. The excellent outcome at doctor’s check. A random compliment. Happy hour at the beach. A new friendship. A text coming in when you need it the most. A loving family. Belly laughs with friends. A good cry.

Stoics walked with me along this journey of self-discovery. Looking for happiness within myself and not external things, I realized how many good things get lost every day.

Life changes when you stop thinking about what you don’t have.

Happiness is about millions of tiny things that might feel insignificant if you look at them separately. They’re like twinkle lights on a Christmas tree: they’re magical when they’re all close to each other.

2019 taught me to love silence. Meditation became a daily practice, and I stopped scheduling every minute of my day. I didn’t stop watching Instagram reels or a silly movie n Netflix, but I started appreciating different kinds of entertaining. Writing and reading returned to me, as they were a significant part of my teenage years.

In 2019 I stopped controlling everything. Fate, destiny, the Universe all conjured to make me realize I needed to let go. Everything falls into place effortlessly, If you don’t hold onto your expectations.

I closed heavy doors in 2019. It was hard. And bittersweet. But today, December 29, I know it was what I needed.

I didn’t need anything I thought I needed.

I told my story in 2019. My personal story, business story, failure, and success. I moved on from the fear of showing up as my authentic self, and I understood what it feels like when you’re living your call in life.

I saw my name next to the TedX “X,” and I won’t ever stop bragging about it!! I chose “courage” so often in 2019 that it only made sense to get a tattoo out of it so that I won’t ever forget to do it again.

2019 has been my most pivotal year so far. I’ve never suffered more. I’ve never been happier.

What is 2020 going to look like? It’s going to look like gratitude, easiness, consistency.

I will be grateful for the immense abundance of my life. I won’t force things that are not yet ready; I will prepare myself meanwhile. I will do my best to move and work on what I love, with fewer excuses.

My 2020 will be about self-love, above anything else.

It’ll be the year of tolerating and looking with benevolence at mistakes and shortcomings. The year of spending quality time with the people I appreciate.

It’ll be the year of resting because we can’t run all day every day.

I’ll try to be less judgmental and listen more.

In less than 48 hours, the new year will start. I think about those who are watching from above and those close to me.

Thank you to whoever was part of my 2019. Thank you if you left, if you came, thanks for staying a second or all year long. Thanks for making this year what it was.

To those looking for meaning, for peace or balance, I wish the courage of looking within.

We are the author of our own story, and even though we don’t have the power of changing what already happened, we can write the next chapter.

One paragraph at a time.

Have a good 2020